A Typical Marin Family by Douglas Lytz

Make sure that you make bed is made, and put your clothes in the hamper for Clemencia to wash; don’t say racial slurs, but make sure to stay guarded against others; leave your emotions at the door; tell me everything about your day in as few words as possible, and leave out anything that we may not like; do it on your own; do everything on your own; and if you can’t do it on your own certainly do not ask for help or let anyone know that you can’t; fake is better than real in almost every circumstance; more is better than less; money does not grow on trees, or does it?; Nordstrom’s is where you shop for clothes, and no need to try it on because if it doesn’t fit we can just throw it away; don’t waste milk but feed the dog steak; booze is the answer to almost everything; it is better to be rich and miserable than poor and miserable; cigarettes are above the stove hiding, but help yourself, in fact, what is your favorite brand and I will put them there in the hiding place; bigger is better and more is better as long as they are not emotions; tolerate and be kind to everyone but don’t be different; don’t be bold, don’t be brash, don’t be over the top, but do something amazing; “Beauty is on the inside” is just something fat people say; don’t drink red wine with fish; here is how you make an amazing margarita; here is how you open a bottle of wine properly; here is how you taste it like a gentlemen; here is where you go to press your suits; we love you but leave, here is a bank account and money and figure it out from here; here is how you yell and argue; this is how you act when you are depressed; a pill is the only answer besides booze; what grade are you in again, son?; Kettle One, Grey Goose and Stoli when you are entertaining; if no one can see you suffering no one will know, so put your best foot forward; wear the Burberry scarf, wear the Tom Ford sunglasses, wear the tie to the country club, and Sperry’s on a boat; eat with this fork for salad and this fork for steak and that spoon is for soup; booze and pills and money- the more the better.